Staying involved as a parent in your child's extra-curricular activities is such an important piece in their development as an athlete, and as a human being. If your child feels healthily supported in their passions, they are able to self-motivate and create a desirable work ethic more easily.
The key point to focus on here is the self-motivation, mainly because most parents probably find it hard to believe that their child is self-motivated whatsoever. However, we're not talking about homework or chores necessarily. I mean, it would be amazing to have your child understand how much being even remotely focused on your schoolwork will help you find your true passion. Try explaining that to a 12 year old, the conversation will guaranteed suck.
The self-motivation we speak of is coming from an athletic standpoint, and how we can create very driven athletes. Sports are a huge part of many family's dichotomy, so understandably a lot of parents want their kids to succeed in that specific area. The problem we face as a society revolves around the level of involvement parents should have in their kids athletic careers. Finding that balance as a parent seems to be difficult, and I say "seems to be" because I don't have child myself.
Why should you listen to someone without kids?
First off, my parents are both high level coaches who played University sports. My dad played basketball for the University of Victoria, My mom played volleyball for the University of Alberta. Some of you reading this are likley already imagining the pressure they must have put on me to excel in sports, even though that thought is 100% false. My parents are such a good example of how you create self-motivated athletes, not just through my athletic sucesses, but through the athletic sucesses of all the kids they have coached. They have such a good grasp on the level of involvement they needed to have with my brother and I. When two varsity athletes have children it creates expectations all on it's own, none of which was created by my parents being overly involved.
My parents absolutely coached me in basketball and volleyball at certain points in my life, but they had both been coaching before they even had children. Many parents feel as if it's their duty to create a star athlete all by themselves, even without judging your child's level of interest in that certain sport.
Parental over-involvement is a huge issue in youth sports, and many adults struggle to self-reflect on whether they're hurting or helping their child. We're going to discuss certain parental traits that are harming your child's mindest, and creating a toxic relationship between your child and playing sports. I'm often going to use my parents as a benchmark example on how they allowed me to become a self-motivated basketball and volleyball player. This way we can compare and contrast good parental habits and bad parental habits.
Here are some hot points of being an overly involved parent:
Seeing the experience as their own
This almost seems silly to say but you are not your child. Seeing what they're experiencing as something that directly effects you creates pressure, and they feel enough of that already. You can't be emotionally involved in games if you're a parent, because you become an opponent of your own child.
Your child winning or losing a game should not upset you as a parent, that's not at all what you should be focused on. If your child sees that your mood is dependant on if they win their game today or not, that creates unneeded pressure. It doesn't matter how "big" you may think this game is for their future, or how it may open some doors for them. If you find yourself more excited about the athletic success of your child relative to academic success, then there's a massive problem.
The true spirit of athletics is creating well-rounded and respectful human beings. So instead of being so result focused, be process focused. Observe your child's body language during play, observe their sportsmanship, and observe how they handle winning and losing.
My parents obviously wanted me to succeed and win in whatever I was playing, but my most vivid memories are them ragging on me if I was being a poorsport in a loss, or selfish and cocky during a victory.
The amount of points I scored, plays I made, or any other physical stats were never talked about. That's just not what matters, how your child acts a teammate, competitor, and human being is what opens doors for them in the future.
Manufacturing Competitiveness
You can't create competitiveness by being a competitive parent, but some folks tend to believe that pushing your child to train hard is the answer. If you are forcing your child to stick to a training regimen or schedule, without the presence of other teammates or coaches, you can create more problems than solutions.
Pushing your child in a direction that they don't even know if they want to go in yet creates a defensive kid, you can't force passion. Yet so many parents are determined to turn their child into invidually skilled androids that specialize in one sport. In reality, having that social interaction piece with teammates across multiple sports is what creates a special athlete. Cross-training is such a huge part of athletic development, it teaches you more movement principles, improves your decision making process, and teaches you how to lead. We want to create leaders and role models at the end of the day, and multi-sport athletes have these specific traits more often than specialized athletes.
Support the idea of your child playing on a team, learning new skills, and enjoying competing through that experience. I may have played University basketball from the age of 18-23, but growing up I played volleyball, soccer, badminton, softball, and did track & field. The relationships and skills I developed through all of those sports helped me become a decent basketball player, but an even better teammate.
My parents were the first ones to tell me that I didn't have to play University sports if I didn't want too, they would've been just as happy if I was focused purely on getting my degree. As soon as I let them know my interest in post secondary athletics, they offered to help me achieve that success. They never made up my mind, I always made up my own, and they supported that. If you give your child the experiences they deserve to have in youth sports, they will devevlop their own competitiveness and drive, whether that ends up being based in athletics or not.
Over-Coaching
About a year ago I was on the Graeme Avenue Podcast based out of my hometown of Terrace (shoutout Scott and Kyle). One of their questions they asked me was how involved my dad was in my University basketball career. They had both assumed he was in my ear a lot more than he actually was.
In reality, my dad's main concern was whether I was having fun or not, because sometimes that was up for debate. Outside of that, he never offered me any advice unless I asked for it, and even if I asked he'd say "you're being silly, you're doing great". A lot of what being a parent is about is putting trust in other people to do their job, and my parents trusted every coach I ever had to put me in the right positions to suceed.
There are definitely exceptions to this if your coach isn't promoting the right ideologies, but that doesn't mean you over-step your boundaries. When you create this pressure of expectations from home, your child plays to please you instead of having fun themselves.
Prime examples of this are coaching your child right before events, saying phrases to them like "I know you're going to win today", and immediately speaking to your child after the game about the results.
These actions create reactions in your child, and thoughts like "failure in sports mean I'm a failure in life" and "If I don't succeed I'm disappointing my parents". Nothing you say to your child before an event is going to change any outcome, they're already stressed enough as is, get out of their ear.
If you're not at the workouts, practices, or skills sessions, don't chime in and try to give your kids advice. You have not witnessed enough to make any judgement calls for your child.
Common responses to over-coaching:
Psychological - (negativity, doubt, worry)
Emotional - (fear, anxiety, stress)
Physical - (muscle tension, rapid breathing)
Behavioural - (self-sabotage, avoidant)
We live in a results obsessed culture, which is such a huge problem for our developing athletes. What you discover about yourself in the process of playing high level sports is something that needs to be emphasized more. Most parents believe they are just providing their child with the best opportunity to succeed, but that's part of the problem. Don't you think your child should come to a point where they can determine that themselves? Finding their passion and competitiveness through their own doing? Becoming self motivated in whatever field of expertise they determine to give purpose to their own being? Let your child breathe.
If you can't control your emotions, don't attend their games.
If your kids are stressed out about a big game, leave them alone.
Don't attempt to motivate your kids before events, nothing you say will help.
Don't talk about results, talk about the process.
If your child asks for guidance, give it to them.
Outside of buying a lot of sporting goods for toys, my parents didn't force my brother and I to be elite athletes. We both loved sports the second we started playing them, so when it came to improving our skills, we'd ask our parents to help.
Pitch to us in the backyard. Play pepper with us in the street. Rebound the basketball for us.
When I told my parents I wanted to play University basketball, they helped me prepare. Sent me on runs, opened our high school gym for me. Helping your child prepare when they need you is much different than forcing perceived greatness down their throat. Quit talking about it and be about it, be who your child needs you to be in those moments. You aren't sharing an experience, you're watching them gain experience and make memories. Unselfishly support your youth athletes without any conditions attached, and you'll find a competitive, and self motivated human being.
Comentarios