This is a simple concept, especially if I reflect on the last piece I wrote.
Or if you're on twitter, this is essentially a compilation of tweets blended into something barely informational. You didn't ask for it, but I'm giving it to you.
Am I a loser of the bubble? Absolutely not, I told you Portland was making the playoffs you jabroni.
That's a real word now hey? Jabroni. They put it in the dictionary because Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is like if winning the lottery was a human being, he will not be denied any longer.
"Loser" sounds like a bad thing, I want to clarify that it is not. A lot of the people/players/situations I mention in this specific category are not losers, you'd be stupid to think anyone in the NBA organization is.
However, in this bubble scenario your stock either rises or plummets. The playoffs either elevate or detonate certain players, hence why we have "Winners & Losers". Just because someone was a winner for this specific portion of a season, doesn't mean they always will be.
Just because I won a 1500 metre race at a track meet in 4th grade, doesn't mean I'm a good distance runner. I actually finished 2nd, a girl from Hazelton beat everyone by a minute, she ended up competing in cross-country for Trinity Western University in Usports. She's also a member of Team Canada's cross country team on some level, she's probably faster than Clara Hughes is on a bike. I never ran the 1500 metre again, not because I was discouraged, I just discovered my passion for cheese and running had to take a back seat.
(this example sucks)
We throw the pre-playoff games in there occasionally so I can talk your ears off even more!
I'm not sorry!
LOSERS
Pascal Siakam
Pre-bubble average's : 23.5 ppg 7.5 rpg 4.0 apg - 46 fg% 35 3pt%
Bubble average's : 17.1 ppg 6.5 rpg 3.0 apg - 40.1 fg% 28.3 3pt%
The Raptors performed at the level I expected them to, but it's not because of Pascal. It's because of the man with the dump-truck sized behind.
This isn't just playoff intensity or anything, he hasn't had a rhythm for the entirety of the bubble duration. So say what you will about the "clamps" Marcus Smart and Jaylen Brown put on him, those are two bad match-ups for Pascal in any case.
Most guys with a developing jump shot struggle being the focal point of an offense in the playoffs, and I'd argue he's still figuring that side of his game out. Coming out of New Mexico State as a raw talent, he still lacks the smooth and slick style of a seasoned star.
His physique and athleticism has allowed him to score big in Toronto's system with relative simplicity to his game. Spin moves, pump fakes, length, face-up jumpshot. Simplicity doesn't score on Marcus Smart, elbow deep in your bag scores on Marcus Smart.
That being said, I hope he learns from the Boston series. He's still developing, and whether the Raptors beat the Celtics or not, the experience will make him better. If you think about his progression in the league so far, it's easy to bet on him getting much better every year.
LaMarcus Aldridge
Unless you are playing at a fast pace, the mid-range game is almost deceased in the modern NBA.
The Spurs experienced significant increases in offensive efficiency without Aldridge playing in the bubble. Popovich's time machine finally landed on 2020, and went with a lineup to play fast.
They also realized that they have young talent!
Who knew!
I can remember someone venting about playing the Dejounte Murray/Derrick White/Lonnie Walker lineup together, sounds like a smart and handsome man. (fuck off Marcus)
LaMarcus and Demar Derozan are both likely out of San Antonio in the off-season, and the mid-range based offense may not be attractive to a lot of teams, especially with advanced stats power-bombing these two through a table every day.
This is only an entry because of the depressed Spurs fan writing the article.
Steve Javie
Holy shit, what a catastrophe.
The belief I've always had about his position is that he's there to educate, and possibly mediate the information newer fans are receiving on how the games being officiated.
That's just the exact opposite of what's happening, Steve Javie is a nark.
We all have eyes, but Steve doesn't believe in sight.
For example, if... I don't know.... say TJ McConnell pulls out a gun. He shoots James Harden while he's going up for a dunk because he went to Arizona State, and TJ is an Arizona boy tried and true. Rodney Mott inexplicably calls an offensive foul on James Harden, who has a bullet hole in his foot. This goes to review, and the refs come to conclude that the call on the floor stands because we love anarchy. Steve Javie comes on the TV because Doris Burke wants to test his intelligence as usual. Steve Javie says James used his off-arm to bump TJ off of his line, despite the fact it happened after the gunshot, and James shoved him because he fucking shot him. Call stands, the devil works hard, but Steve Javie works harder.
What a toxic way to skew a new fans vision of what NBA Basketball is, a referee party with no booze or music.
Get him OUT.
Referees
I don't really need to say much here, if you watched the double OT game 6 between Toronto and Boston, you've already burst several blood vessels over this.
Fun fact, Scott Foster has a larger body count than Killmonger.
Danny Green
Nothing you will ever do radiates more sadness than being labeled a dead-eye shooter, just to continually hoist Christmas ham's at the backboard.
Pour several out for the Green Ranger.
(That has to be one of the worst nicknames of all time, thank you Matt Devlin; Raptors home announcer, for your heavily concerning enthusiasm and bunk phrases)
Milwaukee Bucks
The Miami Heat pulled up on these fools like Muthafucka Jones in Horrible Bosses.
Mykonos Kidd-Gilchrist is a hysterical nickname, Matt Devlin should invest in twitter for his play-by-play.
Despite that name being slightly inaccurate, Giannis will struggle in the playoffs unless he has guns around him like he's Torey Lanez (sorry). Letting Malcolm Brogdan walk was a mistake, but hindsight is 20/20. Having 4 shooters on the floor would make the defense have to choose either to collapse, or have one guy go 1 on 1 with that chiseled statue of Greek mythology.
Mike Budenholzer doesn't like winning, so he played the Greek Freak and Khris Middleton -15 minutes a game.
Load management is the real pandemic right now, I say as the MAGA hat I'm wearing cuts off the circulation to my brain.
The State of Wisconsin deserves nothing anyways.
Micheal Porter Jr.
For someone who doesn't believe in shots, he sure likes to take them on and off of the court.
Pro tip : If you're going to demand more touches on offense, try playing defense with bent legs once in awhile.
Playoff P
God I bet he regrets ever giving himself that nickname.
Street justice is real, if ya gonna be talking, you better be walking.
Shooting secret time : If you hit side backboard on a corner 3, you won't hit another shot until you go to therapy. I'm not clowning, this is coming from a place of self-reflection.
Remember when Patrick Beverly said the next 5 years was his? To Stephen Curry's face nonetheless? When he was 31 years old?
Boy howdy.
Houston Rockets
Let me preface this by saying Robert Covington and PJ Tucker are the furthest thing from losers. The amount of ice bath's and red wine these dudes deserve after anchoring a hopeless defense, and turning them into a somewhat respectable unit on that end is astronomical.
I was also considering putting Danuel House in the special "Winner & Loser" category for Pitbull's version of hotel room service, this is before I realized he had a wife. So he absolutely belongs here.
Russell Westbrook has noticeably lost some athleticism. His seasons in OKC was very much like a high speed chase down the I-95, but he's driving a Lamborghini so you can't catch him. He's now driving a Mazda Miata, everyone who owns one will tell you it's a sports car, but we can all clearly see it's not.
He also yelled at the "wife & kids" section of the bubble court, the man basically stared right into a baby's eyes and said "BITCH-ASS, FUCK OUTTA HERE".
Never change Russ.
WINNERS
Jamal Murray
Everyone had a pretty shitty 2020 except maybe Jamal.
If you have Instagram and follow Jamal, or if you're just a disgraceful human being, you know.
Maybe that incident fueled him because hot damn he's putting dudes in the pressure cooker.
Two 50 burgers on Utah, who's usually a tough team to score on. There's no better time to evolve than in the playoffs, Donovan Mitchell (who also had a 50 burger this series, we are forever blessed) did it his rookie year.
There's something about rooting for guys who step their game up in crunch time, and Jamal commits triple homicides in the 4th quarter.
The duo of Jamal and Nikola Jokic very much reminds me of the Hamburgler and Grimace, infamous McDonald's Mascots.
One of them steals games with his burger-esque performances, one of them eats those burger-esque performances and turns it into a triple-double. Jokic also looks exactly like Grimace, you can't tell me he doesn't.
You think Grimace could put up trip-dubs? He's an absolute UNIT with massive eyes, probably sees the floor decently at least.
Devin Booker
Miami Heat's Defense
One of the most satisfying teams to watch this season for sure, but translating that style of basketball to the playoffs is easier said than done. They've initiated great offense with a few focal points of attack. Bam Adebayo in the mid-post, hand-offs for shooters, back cuts, ball-screens to get in the paint. it's such a well catered system to their personnel of players, who aren't regarded as "star-studded" on paper. They get that bread on defense first though.
This 2-3 amoeba zone they've been playing looks like a straight jacket so far, and it's helpful for teams with ball-dominant stars who lack shooting (Milwaukee). Then they play man defense, rotate faster than tires on a McLaren, jump passing lanes, the whole 9 yards.
It's hard for me to explain how they've been playing basketball like absolute gangsters, so I assigned each heavy rotation player with a rap song to match their play-styles. Minimal explanation because you can make your own assumptions.
Jimmy Butler - "Bulls on Parade" - Denzel Curry Version - It's a lot of screaming.
Goran Dragic - "Jumpman" - Drake, Future - I hit that Ginobli with my left hand up like woo!
Duncan Robinson - "The Ringer" - Eminem - Fires a lot of daggers from a sizeable distance.
Jae Crowder - "Sh!t" - Future - A brick-house full of spite and 3 point accuracy.
Bam Adebayo - "Ruff Ryder's Anthem' - DMX - stop, drop, shut 'em down, open up shop on Jayson Tatum's skull.
Tyler Herro - "Goin' Baby" - Dababy - Baby-faced assassin that's so full of himself they say he cocky.
Andre Iguodala - "Trophies" - Drake, Young Money - playing for Memphis didn't come with trophies.
Kelly Olynyk - "Go Getta" - Jeezy - It was the song on his highschool mix where he dunks on every poor bastard at the BC AAA Provincials.
Derrick Jones Jr. - "Off the Ground" - Anderson .Paak - He's never on the ground.
OG Anunoby
Imagine hitting a game winner that saves a series, and giving your teammates the "does not compute" celebration. Listen to him talk about the shot, behind his cold dead eyes. A toaster would express more emotion.
Luka Doncic
He got the famous "double BANG" from Mike Breen.
If you didn't watch, honestly that's on you. Luka is a handsome Larry Bird prototype set to KILL.
Damian Lillard's Dance Moves
He's currently on a murderous twitter spree as I speak, CANCUN ON 3.
There's nothing more powerful than dancing on the corpses of your opponents, and after every soul stealing performance Dame gave us, this was the only thing reminding me that he's human.
The world's most flammable man also happens to be ICE FUCKING COLD. Explain that science, you fraud.
Seth Curry
Easily the best story in sports history.
Paul George used to date Callie Rivers, his current head coaches daughter (Doc Rivers). Paul cheated on Callie with a stripper, and ended up getting her pregnant.
Story over? STORY NOT DONE.
Paul allegedly attempted to offer 1 million dollars to this exotic dancer, in hopes of her getting an abortion. This was all to cover his tracks.
Seth Curry is now married to Callie Rivers. Dallas meets the Clippers in the first round of the playoffs. Seth gets a huge and-1 on PG at a crucial point in game 4, in the midst of Paul George having a simply awful series.
Seth leans over a bit, points right at him, and says "bitch-ass".
I mean, is he wrong?
WINNERS & LOSERS
Phoenix Suns
You can look at this in two ways.
Phoenix won every game they had in the bubble, but still didn't make the playoffs. DeAndre Ayton, Mikal Bridges, Ricky Rubio, Cam Johnson, the previously mentioned Devin Booker. They consistently reminded us how good they are close to full strength (no Kelly Oubre Jr.), when they weren't healthy the entire year. They're unfortunate losers in this case.
On a recent episode of the "No Jumper" podcast hosted by Adam22, he invited two females onto the show who allegedly have "connections" with famous athletes. One of the girls spouted that she had experienced a "wild night" with the Phoenix Suns basketball team. Not a singular player, an entire basketball team. I'll let you figure out the rest, if you watched any part of this podcast, you know that this an L.
The Fans
We are blessed to be watching basketball right now, amid everything our world is going through.
We are not blessed to have Reggie Miller and Chris Webber on the same broadcast. Love both of them, but let Brian Anderson do his damn job. Nonsensical rambling is only acceptable if it's Mark Jackson, and it's in small doses. Bonus points if he's talking about Lebron's wife.
Marcus Smart
I've only seen a couple people who have been EN FUEGO on the defensive end.
Tyrell Laing, my teammate and homie from the University days at UNBC. We went on a pre-season trip to Vancouver Island University, where Tyrell forced 4 turnovers in the backcourt on consecutive possessions. He came off the bench, shook their point guard by the legs for some lunch money, and came away with his entire credit card and social insurance number instead. Have you ever seen an identity theft on the court before?
Marcus Smart.
Marcus literally controlled an entire end of the floor in Game 7 vs the Raptors. It wasn't the first time in the series he looked like Dr.Octopus on defense either.
The problem with Marcus Smart is there's two different versions of him. The hot shooting defensive dynamo, and the volume shooting flop artist.
We saw both versions against the Raptors, and Miami's a team chalk full of Marcus Smart's, it's not coming easy. Consistency has been a problem on offense, almost solely due to his desire to launch 3's like he's on fire at all times. He wins them games, he loses them games.
The Celtics are one offensively consistent Marcus Smart away from winning a title.
CJ McCollum
He had 84 bottles of wine brought his room in the bubble. To me this means that he did what the rest of us did during the height of this pandemic, black out mercilessly.
Wine is all sorts of good energy, and I assume it's what he used to medicate his fractured back.
W for wine, L for the breaking his back, thpinal!
Luguentz Dort
When has a series been decided on an undrafted rookie's shooting numbers? Never.
Lu Dort was an enigma in the first round vs Houston. Sliding around with James Harden on defense gives most folks vertigo. Lu happens to be built like a school bus, but moves like a panther.
Houston deciding to leave him WIDE open the entire series had mixed results, which is disheartening to watch as a Canadian fan.
Game 7 of this series was like a Final Destination movie, you see how Houston is going to die and you're sweating buckets just waiting for it to happen. Lu catches fire, has a shot to win the game, gets blocked by Harden.
Worst Final Destination ending ever.
QUICKFIRE
Gordon Hayward's mustache - Winner.
Fred Van Vleet's children - Winner's in 2019, Losers in 2020.
Lou Williams' strip club chicken wings - Winner & Loser.
Lebron James' age - Winner.
Kawhi's Uncle Dennis - The Biggest Loser.
Micheal Kidd-Gilchrist's minutes - Winner.
Kendrick Nunn's minutes - Loser.
Doris Burke's infuriation with referees - The Biggest Winner.
Duece Tatum - Winner, just look at him.
JJ Redick's record of making the playoffs - Loser.
Skip Bayless - Born Loser.
Charles Barkley's guarantees - Loser.
Sacramento Kings - Always somehow Losers.
People who like Ted Cruz tweets - Never not Losers.
Memphis despite not making playoffs - Winner.
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